On my mind...

Usually I just blog about my kids, mostly because that is what my life revolves around and I'm one proud mama, but today is a little different. In the last few months I have been thinking about my life and where God has taken this crazy family over the last few years. Many of you know about our rocky last couple years. With Brayden's sensory and sleeping problems, our marriage very stressed and continually hit with huge life problems while dealing with everything on only three hours of broken up sleep, two miscarriages, rib my gut out - head in the toliet sick with three pregancies in one year, Brayden getting Kawasaki and having to deal with all the financial problems that come along with each of those. For two years it felt like I was in a hole and couldn't dig myself out because every direction I looked more crap just kept piling up on me. I couldn't breathe and for the longest time didn't even feel like myself. Just a tired, stressed, exhausted, heartbroken mom and wife that had nothing left to give.

BUT, in the last few months Greg and I have felt such freedom in our life. I feel like I can breathe again (well minus a baby sitting on my diaphagm). I have a healthy baby growing inside that to me is a complete miracle and blessing. Brayden is sleeping wonderful and has only been sick once in the last 9 months. We have two very active, healthy boys that enrich our lives daily. Financially we were blessed by some dear friends to help us with medical bills. A marriage that has been restored and doesn't have to be weighed down constantly with tragic events and can just enjoy life. I'm not saying that we don't have our daily battles and that life is perfect...I do have a baby growing inside, two active little boys, and a husband that doesn't always see things the way I do:)

Today I was reading in Deuteronomy and felt like the Lord gave me reassurance and a reminder...
"Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God discimplines you."
"Be careful that you do not forget the Lord your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day."
"Then your heart will become proud and you will forget the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery."

Deuteronomy 8: 2-5, 11, 14

In the last few months I haven't forgotten all that God has done, but I'm almost afraid to thank Him, to admit how good my life is right now, in fear of having to return to that desert. I almost panic thinking of returning to that life of constant trial and heartbreak. I am almost just waiting for something horrible to happen, because that is what I am used to. I sit on the table at the doctors office just preparing myself for her to tell me something is wrong. So instead of enjoying this good life that God has brought me into, I sit in fear waiting for the blow, the air to come out of my balloon. It makes me wonder how the Israrlites felt...and they had forty years of walking through the dessert unlike my piddle two.

However, I know that God is good and faithful. That if I have to walk through that desert again, He will be right there beside me. That this fear I am having is not His and He wants me to enjoy the life that He has given me. That yes, hard times WILL come, but for now I just need to rest in His goodness for the day....and this wonderful spring weather we are having!!!!!!!!

What has God been teaching you?